The Rolling Stones “Voodoo Lounge”
For immediate release:
The minutes from the November, 1993 Board of Directors’ meeting for The Rolling Stones, Inc, previously confidential and redacted, have now been made fully public. They are as follows:
The Rolling Stones. Inc. has agreed to release a new Product, entitled, “Voodoo Lounge,” in July of 1994. It is the first deal that the parent company, which includes various subsidiaries, has transacted since 1989. Convening the executive team and the Board of Directors and gaining consensus agreement on the goals and details of the project took tremendous effort. The Chairman of the Board, Sir Mick Jagger, and the C.E.O. of the company, Sir Keith Richards, were said to have been at odds over competing side projects and decades of alleged slights. The two men denied such claims and communicated and voted in absentia through counsel. In the meeting’s opening remarks it was noted that previous Board member, Mr. Bill Wyman, recently departed the Company to pursue an early retirement. The Board voted, four votes to zero, to not fill Mr. Wyman’s seat but rather to hire a Mr. Darryl Jones as an independent contractor. Mr. Jones attended the meeting, alongside Mr. Don Fagenson (Was), who has been retained to produce the Product. Also in attendance was Sir Richard Branson, who has secured exclusive marketing and distribution rights for “Voodoo Lounge.” Finally, a man who identified himself as the driver of the lawyer for Mr. Charlie Watts also attended, and provided sufficient evidence of power of attorney on behalf of client.
“Voodoo Lounge” is to be The Rolling Stones Inc’s first new Product since “Steel Wheels,” which underperformed in the market. Through their representatives, all of the Board members acknowledged that their relative maturity -- three of the four members being over fifty years of age -- could be a risk factor in the success of the new Product. To mitigate this risk, the Board voted four to zero on the following referenda:
At least two of the songs will reference Sir Mick Jagger’s sexual prowess, through either allusions to marked virility or the capacity to provide pleasure.
The first single from the new Product will be accompanied by a promotional video that will film the members in black and white, alongside much younger women, and heavily airbrushed so as to obscure their age.
The songs will be manufactured using previously- tested Blues, Country and Rock and Roll forms rather than some of the R&B and Funk forms that shaped some of The Company’s Products from the 1980s.
The Product shall contain no less than fourteen songs and fifty minutes of music in an effort to justify the $19.99 suggested retail price.
Additionally, the Board approved the following referendum on a three to zero vote, with Sir Mick Jagger abstaining:
As per company bylaws, Sir Keith Richards shall perform lead vocal duties on up to two songs, however, said songs must be approved by the Board, in writing, by a unanimous vote.
With all members in agreement on the referenda, the new Product was then briefly described by a representative of The Chairman of the Board thusly: “Voodoo Lounge” is a luxury Product. It is to sound and feel rich. Mr. Don Fagenson (Was) has endeavored to create space between each instrument, making The Company sound simple but vast. The Product is to be comprised of 67% Rock and Roll tracks and, roughly 16% Country or Folk tracks and 16% ballads. In light of Sir Mick Jagger’s increasing vocal limitations, all songs that the Chairman sings will be relegated to one or one and a half octave vocal register and may also be accompanied by Mr. Bernard Fowler as a backing vocalist. As is necessary, Sir Mick Jagger may whisper or growl to deliver the required vocal affect. At all times, Sir Mick Jagger is to sound either sexually irresistible or achingly sensitive.“
Sir Richard Branson then shared that, rather than growing market share through direct, new customer acquisition, a primary goal for the new Product is to galvanize the thirty-six to fifty-four market with a Product that sounds familiar but also modern. In its perceived richness, the new Product is to also signal to Baby Boomers that the early 90s recession is, in fact, fading and that a bull market awaits. The Product’s first single, “Love is Strong,” should function as a litmus test for this business hypothesis. The Company expects that the single, with its familiar riff, engineered by Sir Keith Richards, and its expensive video, situated in New York City and featuring the Board members as urban titans, will validate said hypothesis. If successful, The Company expects a ten to twenty percent increase in its target demographic as well as a “carry on effect” wherein Boomers will either (a) play the music in their car’s compact disc player while driving their adolescent children to activities and / or (b) will purchase tickets to the ensuing “Voodoo Lounge Tour” and pay exorbitant fees for seats for their spouses and children. In this scenario, The Company projects an additional fifteen percent market share gain through a deft exploitation of modern families bonding over a symbol of nostalgia.
In addition to “Love is Strong,” the mid-tempo, spacious single which is designed around a riff that Sir Keith Richards holds several patents on, the new Product will include a faster and louder second single, entitled “You Got Me Rocking.” This second track will be featured prominently on tour on account of its relative volume and the twin guitar work of Sir Keith Richards and Mr. Ronald Wood. The song builds towards a faster, more raucous crescendo that contrasts nicely with the politeness of the first single. While not among The Company’s greatest SKUs, it is expected to test well enough at radio and, especially, when performed live.
As per the approved referenda, Sir Mick Jagger clearly denotes his virility and irresistibility on “Sparks Will Fly,” which is a simple, stripped down rocker that is projected to presage the sound of future American Rock and Roll companies such as The Strokes and The Kings of Leon. The sodomy reference the song is intended to be serious enough to appeal to men but sly enough to be dismissed by female listeners as a caricature. “Brand New Car” is to be the most overtly horny track on the Product, functioning as a modern update on a previous song by the Company, entitled “Stray Cat Blues.” Exploiting the market-tested female as car metaphor, this song is designed to allow The Chairman of the Board to acknowledge his reputation as an iconic pleaser of women. Unlike many other songs on the new Product, this song will also feature “wah wah” guitar and horns to approximate a sexual groove. It should be noted that this song is not expected to be released as a single.
The two songs approved by the Board and sung by Sir Keith Richards are “The Worst,” a well structured, classic Country song, and “Thru and Thru,” a complex, searching, modal exploration. Early market testing on “The Worst” indicated that the song was considered very well designed and is likely to be covered by Country artists but that Sir Keith Richard’s vocal performance is a commercial liability. On the other hand, “Thru and Thru” performed exceedingly well with fans of The Company’s “Sticky Fingers” Product, especially those who highly rated “Moonlight Mile.” It was noted that, while “Thru and Thru” was considered “surprisingly beautiful” by many, it was also regarded as at least one minute too long. The company is said to be considering an edit for future editions of the new Product.
At the time of this meeting, it has been noted that “Voodoo Lounge” is fourteen tracks but might include a fifteenth bonus track for the compact disc release. The song “Mean Disposition” has been proposed as said bonus track but The Company has yet to approve its inclusion, with one Board member referring to the song as a “bad Chuck Berry imitation” and “sonically inconsistent” with the rest of the new Product. Additionally, it was noted by some of the executives, but ultimately dismissed by the Board, that, if the Product is to include fifteen songs, that the Company is likely to be accused of padding the Product with “filler.” These executives proposed a ten to twelve song Product. The Board soundly rejected this claim, suggesting that the extra tracks will help justify the relatively high cost of compact discs and concert tickets. Finally, the Board noted that the Product had been market tested with noted critics and was routinely considered either an “A minus” or “B plus” and was ranked above all other Company Products since 1981’s “Tattoo You.”
At 4:58 in the afternoon, the meeting of the Board of Directors of Rolling Stones Inc concluded. It was noted, before the members departed, that counsel for Sir Mick Jagger stated, on behalf of his client, “The Product has to be precisely good enough for us to charge five hundred quid per seat in every city in the world twice over and for Microsoft to pay seven figures for sync rights. Everything else is rubbish.” Meeting notes were distributed, in triplicate, to all Board Directors, attending executives as well as representatives from subsidiary publishing companies, marketing firms, publicity firms, stylists, current and ex-wives and custodians of various blind family trusts.